Still Learning

So this week, Derrick and I headed up to Oshkosh, Wisconsin for our fourth year of Lifest together! This is a wonderful Christian music festival that I attended for the first time with my sister and a friend in the late 90's.  Then, it was just getting it's start and rather small...but now it caters to 18,000 people during the five days every July.  The reason why Derrick and I like going so much is because we get to hear a lot of different speakers and artists talk about their faith and lesson they've learned from God through their ministry.

As usual, this year, I felt like there were several things God was trying to tell me through the speakers/artists.  I was reminded to be faithful with where I am right now.  This is where God wants me now...I must not be so focused on the future that I don't do what He wants me to do now.  I also heard Him tell me to not be so worried about my weaknesses...because in my weakness, He is made stronger.  If He calls me to do something, even if I don't think I have the tools to obey, I must obey. 

I also learned the "stories" behind two songs that have become dear to me in my adoption wait.  One, by JJ Heller is called "Your Hands."  JJ shared about writing this song after going through a difficult time in her life.  Sometimes, we don't understand why we have to go through difficult times, but ultimately, God knows what is on the other side...He knows best! Below are some of the lyrics to this song.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Derrick and I also saw Laura Story at a 11 p.m. concert one night.  She is truly an amazing woman...it was wonderful to be able to see her heart.  Recently, I heard the song "Blessings" on the radio one night.  I, of course, now have it downloaded on my ipod.  It also speaks to the "why" of difficult times.  Hearing why Laura wrote the song brings perspective to my own life. Below are some of the lyrics to her song. 

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

 God is still speaking...we must take the time to listen!

Control Freak

When it comes to adopting, there isn't much you have CONTROL over.  We are told what meetings are mandatory, what paperwork is mandatory and what money is mandatory in order to continue to be in an adoption program.  Every six months, our social worker comes to our house and inspects it to make sure it is still safe for a child to dwell.  I have CONTROL over cleaning my house from top to bottom before she comes...but that's about all.  We have completed mounds of paperwork in order to be accepted into our program and then we continue to turn in more paperwork to show that we are still making an effort to be a good parent some day.  We attend a monthly support group to talk about adoption issues.  

Our social worker says we are so good at being on top of our paperwork...re-photocopying our car insurance card every six months for our file, re-submitting Zoe's health records to show she is up to date on her shots and such, turning in copies of training to our agency and to the state....etc.  Every time she tells us that (she has on multiple occasions) I tell her...."Well, that's the only thing that I have CONTROL over."

Yesterday, we received an email from our social worker saying that she is missing some things in our file.  Things that should have been there in order for us to go into circulation....we've been in circulation for 19 months and we are now finding out there is missing paperwork! Ugggghhhh! See what I mean about CONTROL? I thought that I at least had CONTROL over my paperwork.

So, after overreacting to this news....and taking some time to think about things, I am reminded (again), that the creator of the universe is in CONTROL.   God has His eyes on a birthmother and birthfather that will be the perfect match for our situation.  He knows which little boy or girl He wants to be raised by us.  He probably doesn't even really care about paperwork! 

So now, as we enter month 20 of our wait...I am reminded that God is in CONTROL, not me.  

2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)

"But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”

Seeking HIM

I'm currently doing a Bible Study on the Fruit of the Spirit by Beth Moore.  There is daily homework (which is really good for me), and today's lesson ended with a verse from Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV). "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

AND...

On my way home from work today, as I was listening to a station that I don't normally listen to, I heard a song by Barlow Girl called, "I Believe in Love." Below are the lyrics to this powerful song.

How long will my prayers seem unanswered? Is there still faith in me to reach the end? I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith But giving up would cost me everything So I'll stand in the pain and silence And I'll speak to the dark night I believe in the sun even when it's not shining I believe in love even when I don't feel it And I believe in God even when He is silent And I, I believe Though I can't see my stories ending That doesn't mean the dark night has no end It's only here that I find faith And learn to trust the one who writes my days So I'll stand in the pain and silence And I'll speak to the dark night I believe in the sun even when it's not shining I believe in love even when I don't feel it And I believe in God even when He is silent And I, I believe No dark can consume Light No death greater than this life We are not forgotten Hope is found when we say Even when He is silent I believe in the sun even when it's not shining I believe in love even when I don't feel it And I believe in God even when He is silent And I, I believe. I believe

I'm thankful for a God who speaks to me personally about the circumstances I find myself in today! One step at a time...

 

 

Something New...

These sure are busy days! I'm really enjoying this week of Spring Break from one of my part time jobs.  It's nice to be home in the evenings with my husband.  

A couple of weeks ago, we began a new Bible study with the women at my church.  Each Sunday night, about 6 of us sit in my living room and open our hearts to what God has to say.  The study has been really good for me personally because it has daily homework for me to work on.  Last week the following verse came up in the study:

Isaiah 43:19 (Contemporary English Version)

I am creating something new.

There it is! Do you see it?

I have put roads in deserts,

streams in thirsty lands. 

Then while I was driving to work the next day, the radio station had the same verse for it's "Word of the Day." I believe that this verse is something God wants me to pay attention to right now.  I've had a tough couple of months spiritually and I am so thankful that, even when I was tired and worn out and had nothing left to give, God was still working in my life.  As I reflect on this verse, I don't believe that God is telling me that our adoption is just around the corner, but I do believe He has something new for me.  And because He can put "roads in deserts (and) streams in thirsty lands," I know that I can do whatever He has for me in His strength.

It's Been Awhile...

Last weekend, a friend from church mentioned that she has been checking our blog and that I hadn't posted in almost a full year. This is true...and as I thought about her comment, I realized that it is important for me to continue to update people of how things are going, even if we don't have any news to report. Right now, I don't have many hours at work, so I have dreams of how often I'll try and update this blog...I hope to continue with that even when I go back to many more work hours. We'll see...

So, as I said above, nothing has happened with our adoption. I know that this is a difficult thing for some people to understand, especially if they aren't aware of how the process works, but that is truly what has happened. We continue to have home study monitoring done every six months, we continue to meet with our adoption support group monthly, and we continue to have good and bad days of waiting. The last several months have been very trying for me personally. I think because we have hit our "waiting for a year" anniversary. In July 2010, we had our foster care license for a year. In October 2010, we had been in the "system" for a year.

But God, of course, uses times of anxiety, worry or even our own pity parties, to help us grow closer to Him. Currently, Derrick and I are going through a book about joy. Joy is something I haven't felt compelled to feel for awhile, so this is a good thing for me to study. As I read a chapter the other day, the author mentioned that it is a good thing to memorize scripture that you can call to your mind when you are struggling. While the example in the book had nothing to do with what I'm struggling with, I felt led to do the same for myself. So, while I am a terrible memorizer, I decided to memorize Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by PRAYER and PETITION, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will GUARD your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I am so thankful that I memorized this part of scripture, because the next day I DID bring it to mind many, many times. I thank God for His peace that WILL guard my heart and mind!

Contentment

Well, thought it would be a good idea to update the blog regarding our adoption. Unfortunately, there is not much to tell. We have been on the "waiting list" now for about 5 months and have officially passed the one year mark from when we started the process. We still do not have our own adoption worker here in Champaign, but our agency is hoping to hire someone new around the graduation time as there may be many qualified candidates from the university. We have been working closely with the intern through the Bloomington office and really like her a lot. She ran the February and March support group and did a great job of balancing some teaching and discussion among those of us adopting. The one thing I really like about her is she and her husband plan on adopting one day, so I feel like she is "one of us." She will be at our April meeting, but it will be her last. :(

I continue to be stretched to remember that God is in complete control of this adoption. He knows who our future son or daughter is, and He knows when the best time for this to happen is. In Sunday School yesterday, we were challenged to enjoy our work here on earth, but to be content with where God has placed us. It is so easy to get into a pattern of always thinking about what's next instead of just enjoying today.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

¹⁸ Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. ¹⁹ Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. ²⁰ He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.

On our toes!

Today was the date scheduled for our second walk through with our new adoption worker. I woke up with a HUGE headache and (as I am so good at doing) I waited until the last minute to get into the shower to prepare for our visit. It wasn't really last minute though... Our first walk through taught me to be prepared early as our worker showed up about 10 minutes early then. So today, I gave myself a 30 minute buffer...or so I thought!

As I climbed out of the shower, the dog started barking ferociously, as she does when someone comes to our door. "No...." I thought, "they couldn't be here this early!" Wrong! They arrived 35 minutes early. Oh well, what could I do but throw my clothes on and brush my teeth quickly? As I walked into the living room, I found out that our worker and her intern thought that our meeting was supposed to be at 10...so they thought they were running late. When Derrick told her that we thought the meeting was at 11, she looked at her calendar and realized that she was indeed 35 minutes early. Oh well! We have to stay on our toes!

The walk through went well and we are not scheduled for another one until July. So again, we are waiting. I helped plan my sister's baby shower this weekend. It was a lot of fun! A good friend was so sweet to email me this morning to remind me that my baby shower would be next. I thank God daily for the people He has placed in my life who are encouraging and praying for Derrick and I as we wait to meet our beautiful son or daughter.